Advice by Alan

I've decided to add a recurring feature to our blog, Advice by Alan.

Alan is the security guard at my office. He speaks little English but that hasn't kept us from becoming friends. We communicate with a mixture of the English he knows, the little Georgian and Russian that I know, a healthy dose of charades and a bit of Pictionary. Each morning I can count on a walk-in from Alan. He pops into my office, we exchange "Good mornings" and "How are yous" in Georgian (which is closing in on the extent of my knowledge of the language) and he quickly launches into a one sided conversation in a mixture of Russian and Georgian.

During our "conversations" my eyes work harder than my ears. I am constantly watching his facial expression and his hands as he expresses his story. Alan's stories often evolve into advice giving sessions. Alan's advice ranges from cancer prevention to the best accompaniments for vodka. From how to make your plants grow to the uses of the common house cat in curing your bodily aches and pains.  I realized that I have been selfishly keeping his advice to myself, but that stops today.

Advice by Alan #1: Mobile phone antennae cause cancer

Recently Alan came into my office to chat when he noticed my cell phone sitting on my desk. He pointed to the phone and shook his head. "Your phone, wery old," he said. (This would be the phone I bought before we moved to T'bilisi in August 2007) He continued by pointing at the antenna of my phone and then gesturing at the side of his stomach, his hands slowly moving away from his body. I shook my head indicating that I didn't quite follow.

He went on to tell me a story about the time he and a friend were drinking vodka one night. Judging by the way he was moving his hand to his lips and repeatedly tilting his head back I'm going to say they were doing shots of vodka. All of a sudden his friend grabbed his heart in pain and told Alan that his chest hurt. At that moment Alan realized that his friend was carrying his cell phone in the front pocket of his shirt. Alan removed it and the pain subsided. Alan looked down and noticed that his friend's cell phone had an external antenna. Proof positive that "cell phones with external antennas cause cancer."

I asked Alan if it was possible that perhaps the nights of vodka shots played a role in his friends chest pains. He assured me that this was, in fact, ludicrous. So, for all of you out there with old cell phones that have external antenna, take it from Alan, it's time to upgrade. As long as your antenna is internal, your safe!